Japanese Street Magic

Two things I really like are Japan and magic, and I recently stumbled across a video that combines the two. Apparently, the fellow in this video is a famous Japanese magician, and one day he decided to wander around the streets and seriously freak people out. He must be a flexible fellow; I wonder if Kit Fitzsimons can learn to do this?

PCQOTD : 12-30-05

Plebian:
"You keep samin' when you oughta be changin', and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet."

Erudite:
"We gonna get funky like a monkey!"

PCQOTD : 12-29-05

Plebian:
"High on a hill sits the lonely goatherd."

Erudite:
"I swear to god!"
"SWEAR TO ME!"

Best Spam EVER!

Okay, I get lots of spam. And for the most part, it gets deleted immediately without reading it. But this one was not only funny enough to read, it was funny enough to put on the blog. Here's the subject line of the spam:

"With Ultra Allure Pheromones women will chase you like Tom chases Jerry."

Excellent. So I decided to open it up (my email program hides pictures and attachments, so that I won't be infected by evil spam). Here's the body of the email:

"With Ultra AIlure Pherom0nes you won’t h@ve enough room 1n your organizer for the phone numbers of the beautiful women. Instead of smelling like dirty socks, try smelling good and attracting women at the same time with Ultra Allure Pheromones."

All I have to say is, sign me up!

PCQOTD : 12-28-05

Plebian:
"And now for something completely different."

Erudite:
"We used to dream of living in a corridor."

Holiday Wrapup

Well that was a good vacation. We got Thursday, Friday, and Monday off for the holidays, and I relaxed. Did the ComedySportz show on Friday, which was okay. Had some audio troubles at the top of the show. (Here's a ip: don't fire up WinAmp before firing up Mr. Voice, or chaos will ensue.) Afterwards, watched the first half of Mr. Diplomat and then took off with Mr. Kaye to hang out at his house. Actually, I practically moved in with Ethan, as we hung out before and after the show on Friday, then watched MST3K at Ethan's on Saturday with Bly and Kit, and then headed back to Ethan's on Christmas to watch Andy Kaufmann and kill things with EK and PT.

Had a decent Christmas day; went over early to spend time with mom and open oodles of presents (which were appreciated by both sides). My sister didn't show up on time, so we said "fuck it" and just ate without them. (They had just had breakfast right before they came over. Eh.) I got lots of books and dvds, and fake barbed wire from mom. And I also got "The Nature Boy" Ric Bear, as pictured above. Too, too funny.

I spent Monday watching selections from the third volume of the Warner Brothers Golden Collection cartoon dvds and eating a turkey sandwich which made me sleepy.

PCQOTD : 12-27-05

Back to work, and back with the Popular Culture Quote of the Day.

Plebian:
"With faded feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there."

Erudite:
"What a ta-rah-rah-GOON-dee-ay!"

Hulk DESTROY Christmas!

So the Hulk now has his own Christmas tree. Which you can buy. It's green, just like Christmas itself. And while it isn't Gamma-irradiated, it is apparently dangerous.
Go on over to I-Mockery and visit the folks who bought and documented this fine holiday product.

This caught my eye, because I almost bought this Hulk telephone for the DSI White Elephant gift exchange. Hulk funny, make puny humans giggle.

Japanese Weirdness

I felt like doing a post today other than the PCQOTD, but couldn't find anything particularly original or thrilling on today's blogs. So instead, I bring you an old favourite of mine: Save Tobby. In this nutty little game from the Toshiba Company of Japan, you are a dog. Operating a crane. Your lovely girlfriend (who looks just like you, but has a bow in her hair) has been captured by that most evil of scoundrels, a bulldog. Your mission: to drop bones, hearts, diamonds, and other knickknacks into the sewer pipes. Why? Well, just complete the game for the explanation. The crane will slide back and forth, carrying the item. Just click nywhere in the window to make it let go. Carom off the walls if you want to. Just don't let the bulldog catch the item! (Or do let him; that's funny sometimes. His facial expressions are hilarious.) Have fun, and for chrissake, SAVE TOBBY!!!

PCQOTD : 12-21-05

Plebian:
"You put one foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door."

Erudite:
"Laugh now, monkey-boy!"

Dreidel/Droidel

Fandom knows no limits.

Use the Force.

PCQOTD : 12-20-05

Plebian:
"You don’t need Deck The Halls or Jingle Bell Rock, ‘cause you can spin a dreidel with Captain Kirk or Mr. Spock—both Jewish!"

Erudite:
"He spoke French! He's dead!"

Beyond The Dreams Of Avarice

I found this interesting. In this article from Forbes magazine, they rank the fifteen richest fictional characters. A fun if useless concept to muse over. (And by the way, there is NO way Daddy Warbucks has more wealth than Richie Rich. Please! His mansion is so big, you needed camping gear and supplies to reach halfway down one wing!)

Battle Beyond The Stars

Alien Loves Predator is one of my favourite webcomics. The guy just takes his Alien and Predator action figures and photographs them along with various New York City backgrounds and does a hilariously entertaining comic about the very annoying Alien and Predator characters sharing an apartment in the Big Apple. For some reason, today's episode really amused me. Enjoy.

PCQOTD : 12-19-05

Plebian:
"If it seems too complicated, make it easy on yourself; just send money. How about tens and twenties?"

Erudite:
"By your command."

Content Like Bessie

I'm having a good day.

I haven't even left the house yet (it's 4:45 pm now), but it's been a good day. I got up at a decent hour even after staying up late hanging out with Jackson (who introduced me to the fabulous show "My Name Is Earl"), and spent the bulk of the day working on secret presents for two friends of mine. They're finished now, and I'm quite proud. I've been creative, productive, positive, and inhaled hot gluegun fumes. Now I'm going to take a break and relax a bit before a full night of comedy.

Thanking Time Again

Well, this post was supposed to go up yesterday, but yesterday got away from me.

I'd like to thank some people again, because I don't think there's enough thanking in the world, and I want to encourage it, as well as encourage people to continue being nice folks.

We had a *great* ComedySportz practice on Wednesday, helmed by the inimitable Ross White. ("What do you want, Ross White?") I was in a good state of mind that night, and Ross gave the practice a really comforting, encouraging atmosphere that I really appreciated. Dave Siegel hosted an equally supporting practice last week, but I was in no state to enjoy it. This week, I had loads of fun and learned a lot. We focussed on Five Things, and specifically, our gibberish. We had an amusing time doing a monologue in English, then switch to gibberish foreign language when Ross called "switch." I got gibberish Japanese, and Ross asked me to do my Macho Man voice for the monologue, which seemed to be very fun for both me and the people in the audience. It's very hard to switch from Japanese back into Macho Man, I've discovered.

Then Dave Siegel and I did a gibberish opera while Jason Quinn introduced each act in English. I think we did quite well, and I'd like to thank Dave for working so nicely with me on stage. I enjoy working with him, and we seem to mesh well. This is the kind of improv situation I really enjoy doing: working with people I feel comfortable with, that are friendly and supporting and open. It was a joy to work with Dave.

At this point, Rogers showed up. I was really hoping he wouldn't make it to this practice, for the simple reason that I enjoy Rogers current state of gibberish, and wouldn't change it for the world. No, his gibberish isn't polished; no, he doesn't do a lot of variation in it; no, his gibberish does not have syntax like a real language. He has Fleeba Flabba. And Fleeba Flabba RULES! I love Rogers; he's a lot of fun and really funny and a great person to be around. I wouldn't change Rogers' Fleeba Flabba for anything. It's fabulously entertaining. Thanks for being you, Rogers. You rock.

Then we started running Five Things games, and I actually participated, believe it or not. In the first game, I was sent out to be the guesser. I would've been more comfortable being the giver the first time 'round, but for this very resaon, I accepted the role and trotted out into the cold. Richie Efird and Jason Curtis were my teammates in this round, and they were great. Jason was particularly clever when he had to communicate "diamond earrings" to me, miming a wedding proposal first, to get the "diamond" part over, and then yanking out the diamond and jamming it in my ears to get over the "earring" portion. Clevah!

Later on, I got to be one of the "givers" for Five Things, along with my compatriot in Zack Bly. Earlier in the evening, Zack was kind enough to give me a book on British fables, and we had fun singing Elvish songs and listening to Zack's recitation of Dwarvish poetry. He also requested that I do a reading from Lord of the Rings in my wrestling announcer voic, so that was a lot of fun. Good companionship was shared. ANYWAY, we did the Five Things thing with Zack and me presenting to Battlin' Ben Moser. I was nervous, but I do love Five Things, and Zack was very helpful and supportive, getting me through it all. We ended up having a blast, and traded off back and forth on verious items, really helping each other out and working as a team. It felt great. Ben, of course, is a master of ComedySportz, and was always energetic and attentive. The high point of the game was when I had to convey "otter" to Ben. I tried over and over, acting out the otter, doing typical "otter" moves, and he let me know he had no idea what I was trying to do. I then mimed a beaver with the teeth and the tree and all, and said "un-unh" and then "well, maybe", and went back to the otter action, swimming about as Zack mimed the water for me. Ben looked like he had absolutely NO idea what I was doing, but signalled for us to go back and sit down and he'd go ahead and guess the rest of the stuff. So back on the chairs, Zack and I are muttering to each other: "How are we going to do otter?" "We've got to sound it out." Suddenly, we hear Ben say "...and my cleats have been replaced with otters." Zack and I just stared at each other, wide-eyed--HOW DID HE GET THAT?!?! It was hilarious; Ben really surprised us. Later on, as we were leaving, we asked him: "How did you get otters?" He said, absolutely straight-faced, "Well, it wasn't a beaver, so it was an otter."

I also learned a lot from listening to Corey doing sound effects while I wasn't in the booth. His sense of when to do effects to help out the people on stage is fabulous. Mad props there.

Great fun. A fine night. Many thanks to Ross, Dave Siegel, Richie, Curtis, Bly, and Corey. An extra thanks to Jason Curtis for being so kind to take the time to say goodbye and give me a high-five while I had to be up in the booth at the end of the night to turn off all the tech. It felt nice to be remembered. Thel ittle things count.

PCQOTD : 12-16-05

Plebian:
"Pa rum pum pum pum."

Erudite:
"It is a hunger that never...dies."

DJ Vader in the House!!!

This has been around a while, but I re-stumbled on it, and it still amuses the heck out of me. Go dark side! Go dark side! It's your birthday! It's your birthday!

Kick it over here, baby pop.

PCQOTD : 12-15-05

Plebian:
"Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun, now the jingle hop has begun."

Erudite:
"Evacuate? In our moment of triumph?"

HAVE AT YOU, VARLET!

So this cracks me up to no end. This London designer came up with an idea for a bedside table that transforms into a club and shield in case people break into your flat. Yes, a table that becomes a club and shield. Should you wake up in the middle of the night, and you hear a strange sound coming from the garden window, just sweep your copy of the Times crossword puzzle and that half-empty glass of Orange Quosh off the table next to your bed, and quickly don your trusty shield and wield your mighty truncheon. Defend your castle like the knight you always dreamt you might one day be, if the rigid class system didn't continually remind you that you were dead common.

No mention was made whether or not you need to make a 1d20 saving throw against a toff with a revolver.

Get the full scoop here.

PCQOTD : 12-14-05

Plebian:
"You're as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel."

Erudite:
"You like us better, yes?"
"Not better, just different."

Geektastic Postscript

I humbly suggest that everybody go to the comments section of yesterday's "Geektastic" post, and read Mr. Kit Fitzsimons' fabulous Donkey Kong poem.

PCQOTD : 12-13-05

Plebian:
"Walk right in, it's around the back; just a half a mile from the railroad track."

Erudite:
"Once upon a time there was an engineer, Choo-Choo Charlie was his name, we hear."

Geektastic

I think this is hilarious. Poetry so easily falls into the realm of the pretentious, and combining it with old-school videogames makes it fabulously pretentious.

So iFilm has a clip of what purports to be a "Video Game Poetry Slam", where geeky fellows wax on in dulcet tones about their favourite retro games. Feast your ocular organs on this sample text, about the game "Joust":

"the clicking hooves of the black knight’s
demon ostrich bang like gavels on your guts
as he canters slowly towards you,
with those fucked up white eyes,
like something totally alien lives behind the shell of his human form,
his blue silhouette"

Article about the Game Poetry.

The iFilm page of the movies.

PCQOTD : 12-12-05

Plebian:
"He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich."

Erudite:
"Whether you like it or you don't like it, learn to love it, because it's the best thing going today."

Posting Makes Me Feel Good

Oh, and I would also like to thank one Kit Fitzsimons for introducing me to the wonderfulness that is Beaver and Steve. I had forgotten about it for a while, having bookmarked it in the wrong folder, but after rediscovering it this afternoon and giggling my way through the Dinosaur-vs-Moth storyline, the day has become brighter. Thank you, Kit.

I am terribly amused by the drawing of Steve getting scared by the moth in the latest episode.

Recognition

A few weeks ago, I was muttering about and decided to make an effort to openly recognize and reward other people's kindnesses and achievements. Since I enjoy a pat on the back now and again, I thought it only right to do the same for others, hopefully spreading good feelings about. I've done so on the boards when I've really enjoyed someone's performances or skills, and thought I'd add a few here in the blog for more personal things.

I'd like to thank Ross for trying to help me out Wednesday night, even though I was being a curmudgeon. He was very understanding and encouraging, as always.

I'd like to thank Corey for complimenting me on my blog. I'm sure it just seemed like an everyday act to him, but it really meant a lot to me to hear that from someone with his talents, who I don't really get to talk to that often.

I'd like to thank Jackson for generally being a good friend, and for having fun reading my blog and participating therein.

I alluded to this in an earlier post, but I'd like to thank Dave Siegel here for being a very positive figure in Wednesday's ComedySportz practice, and encouraging me to participate (even if I didn't take him up on his kind and giving offer). Dave's just a really nice guy, and I appreciate his style.

I'll try and keep up this recognition of good deeds done and talents exhibited, both in person and in here. Everybody deserves to be given a smile when they do nice things or shine in their performance, and I hope to encourage that practice with my own actions.

PCQOTD : 12-9-05

Plebian:
"I am big. It's the pictures that got small."

Erudite:
"I'm as happy as a Frenchman who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers!"

Doom, Despair, Agony, etc, etc, blah-blah-blah

So I'm not sure why I'm typing this, but I guess a blog is supposed to be what's on your mind at the time, and this is what's on my mind.

I've been really down lately, and I just can't seem to shake it. It's a lot of things, really, the same old stuff from the past year, but I think this one got triggered by my poor performance in Scott's Level Three class on Tuesday. I had to miss classes two weeks in a row, and I came back this week not really knowing what was going on. I felt like I was dragging the class back, and that's one of my biggest dislikes; I HATE having to inconvenience other people for my own individual shortcomings. Anyway, I felt out of place, and since I felt out of place I couldn't participate well in the scenes, and didn't come away feeling very bright or positive. This led into the next night with ComedySportz rehearsals, where I never really feel like I fit in anyway, and the lack of confidence from the previous night's affair didn't help at all. After begging off participating in a few games (even though Dave Siegel was being very kind and supportive), I finally got roped into being part of one of the three practice teams of the night. I was in with three people I was very comfortable with (Ross, Zack Bly, and Kit), and thought I'd do okay. Alas, in my attempts to try and be energetic and amusing, I ventured outside the framework of the exercise and got called for doing a bit. So, being the already selfconscious and oversensitive fool that I am, I shut down even more. At this point, I'm not looking forward to doing much of anything performance-wise this weekend. I'm really not sure I'm cut out for this sort of thing.

My first impulse is to just slink away and hide for a while, because I know nobody wants to hear me whine about crap. I really want to just raise my chin up, say "fuck it!" and leap in with both feet and have fun, but can't seem to do it. I'm hoping that tonight's ComedySportz show goes well, and jolts me out of my funk.

Anyway, my apologies to anybody who's had to be around me the past few days and felt uncomfortable in the presence of my crappy attitude.

PCQOTD : 12-8-05

Plebian:
"Can we build it? Yes we can!"

Erudite:
"Gone, gone the form of man, release the might from fleshy mire, boil the blood in heart of fire."

Turn left, fool!

"What are you, high? How do you know I'm not just bullshitting you, man? You think I know where you're going? C'mon!"

That's merely one of the fun and exciting phrases available in the "Dennis Hopper" package now available for your car's onboard navigation system. Yes, you too can have the star of "Easy Rider" and "Blue Velvet" telling you just when to turn on your way to your local heroin dealer's apartment. Or perhaps you prefer your navigator to have a mohawk and wear lots of gold jewelry? Why, I pity da fool who doesn't spin the steering wheel at the grammatically-challenged commands of Mr. T!

Click here for the whole story.

PCQOTD : 12-7-05

Plebian:
"Hailing frequencies open."

Erudite:
"Oh Belvedere! Come here, boy!"

PCQOTD : 12-6-05

Plebian:
"Follow your nose; it always knows."

Erudite:
"There is no land beyond the law where tyrants rule with unshakable power. It is but a dream from which the evil wake, to face their fate, their terrifying hour."

PCQOTD : 12-5-05

Back at work after vacation, so the Popular Culture Quote Of The Day is back in earnest.

Plebian:
"C is for Cookie"

Erudite:
"I can take a noun and bend it; gimme a noun!"

Too Much Information

You might want to pay attention to the title of this entry. It's about naughty bits.

So it truly may be too much information, but what the hell, it's my blog and this is a subject that interests me, so if you don't like talking about naughty girlie bits, then feel free to skip this particular entry.

My ex-girlfriend was terribly ashamed of her large, protruding labia minora. She even went so far as to say she wanted to get surgery to have them made to look "normal, like everybody else's". I pleaded with her to never ever do that, because I thought they were lovely, sexy, unique, and loved to pay a whole lot of attention to them (leading to a whole lot of orgasms for her; yay!) Anyway, I was amused when I found this website devoted to that self-same subject.

This leads me to feel that I need to state how sad it makes me when women feel bad about how they look, even when they have someone who is ravenously appreciative of their appearance. In the aforementioned case with the ex-girlfriend, she was *gorgeous*, *incredible*, and drop-dead *attractive*. She was, as I stated quite often, "my dream girl". She was a 4'10" Korean girl with a really cool tattoo, interesting piercings, kissable lips, gorgeous hair, and the warmest smile I've ever seen. When she let her guard down and let herself be truly happy, her eyes shone and my heart melted; she was that beautiful. But she hated the way she looked. She wanted to be taller, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, and *white*. This almost brought me to tears. Why look like everybody else? Why not be proud of being uniquely beautiful?

The mass media sucks, basically. We have Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson and generic cheerleaders shoved down our throats on 127 cable channels twenty-four hours a day. Barbie is in every little girl's home, and even Barbie's "ethnic friends" are basically the same doll with a differently dyed shade of plastic. If you're asian, black, short, or big, you have precious few images to reach out and beam over. I have my Masters in Popular Culture, and while that sounds fairly laughable, it is a serious range of study that encompasses sociology, anthropology, media studies, and a host of other diciplines. Within that framework, we spent some time looking at how the media affected the self-image of people who consumed television shows, magazines, and the like. My friend Wendy focussed in on Barbie dolls and how they twisted little girls' minds to hate their own diverse and unique body types and yearn to be thinner, bustier, blonder, and tanner. This is exactly what happened to my lovely little Leesa, and it pissed me off. I spent a lot of time trying to help her see through my eyes, and recognize how amazingly attractive she was. None of it seemed to help in the end.

Okay, this post started off with the intent of being a proclamation of how I like porn, and it changed into a condemnation of anorexic supermodels and a cry for diversity. Strange how life works. (Or maybe just strange how my twisted mind works.)

Welcome to Tedland. No idea how long we'll remain open.

Lionel Richie's Clay Head

Sometimes I'm amazed at what one can find on the internet.

So I'm watching this BBC2 show I downloaded, "QI", a sort of erudite quiz program hosted by a favourite of mine, Stephen Fry. The show frequently decays into comedic chaos, and this episode was no exception. One of the members of the panel told some long drawn-out story about Barbara Cartland, suggesting that she wore so much makeup that one would have to claw their way through the layers of paint to get to her true face. He then added, as a bit of a coda, "like the clay Lionel Richie." Nobody on the show knew what the hell he was talking about, and it wasn't explained, so I did a quick search for "clay head lionel richie" on Google and came up with, among other things, THIS little gem:

Building Lionel Richie's Clay Head

PCQOTD: 11-29-05

Erudite:
"Out my way fool, I'm the illest. Bulletproof, I die harder than Bruce Willis."

Ain't Life Grand?

Fate does not smile upon me when I take vacations.

I've been stressed out the past few months with my busy schedule, so a while ago, I decided to take the whole week after Thanksgiving off to relax and do just whatever I wanted to. Good idea, right?

Well, as luck would have it, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, I got sick. I hated that, because I missed what was my favourite DSI class so far, Jennings' Level 3. Then, I *had* to go into work the next day, because there were things I had to take care of for my substitute while I was gone. So I didn't really get better. I had a grand time on Thanksgiving, but going to two events didn't exactly help out my health level. Then each night since then, I've had some sort of responsibility that I bucked up and ground through. So far, the vacation hasn't been the ducky situation I had hoped for.

To top it all off, I've been stressing about various stupid things today, and seem to have brought on an reoccurrence of a little medical problem that runs in my family, a little heart defect that makes my blood pressure shoot through the ceiling in an instant. So basically, I almost passed out while driving today, which is a bad thing. What really depresses me is that I'm going to miss a second Jennings class. Of course, as is typical with me, I feel I'm letting other people down by not being there to work as part of the group, but I'm also disappointed that I'm missing out on such a great synergistic learning experience. I really love that class.

Anyway, I guess I need to calm down and relax. That's what this week was for, right? I need to stop kicking myself for all the planned projects I've been dragging my feet on, and just enjoy myself for a change. Let's be bright and optimistic: I've gotten to watch some good movies I never had the time for before, have read some good books, and drank a lot of delicious orange juice. Time to relax, regroup, and repair.

Behind The Music

Inspired by my friend, fellow ComedySportzer, fellow night Attacker, fellow video game geek, and annoying Nightcrawler imitator ( :) ) Kit Fitzsimons, I've decided to tackle another iTunes meme.

Go to your iTunes/Windows Media Player/WinAmp and put it all on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and after each one press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question.

What do you think of me, iTunes?
"Top Tune Melody of 1979" by Disconet
Hmm...that's an auspicious start. I'm not sure how to read those tea leaves. "Maybe I don't know if this is right or wrong, but soon we're going to move it all night long." I'll take that as acceptance.

Will I have a happy life?
"M*A*S*H - Suicide Is Painless"
Well, iTunes is remarkably good at reading mood, anyway.

What do my friends really think of me?
"Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie
Huh. I always thought of myself as more of a quiet, helpful fellow.

Do people secretly lust after me?
"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly" from WKRP
Well, I think that's right up there with "when pigs fly". This is rapidly becoming very depressing.

How can I make myself happy?
"I'm having...chest pain!" from the old "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial
Hmm. Reminiscent of M*A*S*H, actually.

What should I do with my life?
"These Dreams" by Heart
Yeah, I'm good at dreaming. Not following through with my dreams, but dreaming I'm good at.

Why must life be so full of pain?
"Yogi's Boink Walk" from the Hanna Barbera Sound Effects disc
Maybe people keep hitting me on the head with coconuts?

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
"S.O.S." by Paradox (covering the ABBA song)
"Whatever happened to our love? I wish I understood." Yeah, definitely depressing. Not much hope there. "When you're gone, how can I carry on?"

Will I ever have children?
The Lost In Space Robot says, and I quote, "I cannot accept that course of action."
Good robot.

Will I die happy?
"World Championship Wrestling Theme 1985-1987"
Well, at least wrestling is usually a positive in my life.

Can you give me some advice?
"Theme from Cannon"
Excellent. I'll be getting my advice from an overweight William Conrad. "Eat a bucket of chicken, my son."

What do you think happiness is?
"I Found A Million Dollar Baby (In A Five And Ten Cent Store)" by Fred Waring's Pennsylvanians
Oh, if only I could.

What's my favourite fetish?
"Alive" by Fuzzbox
I can't even understand the lyrics to this song. Try again.
"At Last I Have Control Of Your TV Set" by Ren and Stimpy
Well, I do like watching porn.

What is my significant other thinking at this very moment?
"Licking Stick" by James Brown
Definitely my type of grrl.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop?
"Klavier" by Rammstein
In other words, destroy the Tootsie Roll Pop. It is irrelevant and gauche.

* * *

I've decided to ask my own question of iTunes, not included on the official meme list, in hopes of making this less depressing.
Will I ever find love again?
and iTunes comes back with "Domino" by Kiss
"Ain't the Virgin Mary, love her I confess, got my hesitations, 'cause she kisses like the kiss of death" Well that's nice. "She's a bad habit that's good-good-good."

MemeTunes

Inspired by a meme on the blog of my friend and fellow Mr Voice, Wade Minter, I've decided to leap in and give my answers to this meme survey of my iTunes collection.

What's In Your iTunes

How many songs?
14653

Sort by song title:
First- ˜Ÿ‘J‚j⁄†…ïæˇ by ∞G∞‘∞n∞≠∞j∞J (some Korean pop thing, I think)
Last- 續集 by DJ Tommy (ah, Ted's asian fetish revealed. :P )
Heck, let's go for titles in English as well.
First - ? (Modern Industry) by Fishbone
Last - Zwing Ting by Streamer

Sort by time:
First - WeFunk Episode 346 - 3 September 2004 (4:00:32)
Last - Down (A "Crazy Climber" sound effect (0:00)

Sort by album:
First - Rules And Regulations by We've Got A Fuzzbox (-Fuzzbox-)
Last - Drunk Daddy by Cherry Poppin' Daddies (Zoot Suit Riot)

Sort by artist:
First - Numbers by !AIBoFoRcEN<- (a Kraftwerk cover song)
Last - Viva Las Vegas by ZZ Top

Top Five Most Played Songs:
1) Kevin Spacey - Christopher Walken Star Wars Screen Test
2) Bizarre Love Triangle by Frente
3) Japanese Tourist (Simpsons quote)
4) God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan
5) Girl by Frente
5) Shazam TV Theme
Boy, that's both depressing and telling. Two of those are songs me and my ex-girlfriend Leesa played all the time. It's been a year, but I'm still hopelessly in love with her. Sigh.

First song that comes up on Shuffle:
Weinie Whistler by Bobby Jimmy (aka Russ Parr from the Up To Parr morning show)

Find "sex", How many songs come up?
96. What can I say, I'm a pervert.

Find "death", How many songs come up?
37, but one of those is "Super Karate Monkey Death Car" from News Radio

Find "love", How many songs come up?
511. Oh, Leesa...

PCQOTD 11-23-05

Plebian:
"Only you can prevent forest fires."

Erudite:
"There is nothing you can do to me that the communists have not already done."

Squishy Turkey

Okay, this looks disgusting. I love it.
Jell-O Turkey

Crotch

The weekend continued with a Sunday dinner at Oh Brian's. Attendees were Amanda, PT, Ethan, and yours truly. We determined that we need to produce a show starring an anime form of Amanda, that PT should be a farmer with Tourette's Syndrome who has sex with his animals and is upset that his goat won't eat cans, and that Ethan's idea of heaven is to have sex with a woman while playing guitar, watching Scrubs, and eating ribs. (Failing that, he'll just have sex with the ribs.) Amanda won't eat free salad but still got a mint, PT's leftovers look like a pig trough, and Ethan slipped into a beef coma.

So we're going to Kentucky to see a wild west gunfight, a bottomless pit, Jesus in wax, and can-can dancers who show off their crotches. (Sorry, Amanda!)

THAT'S A MATCH!!!

Whoa, what a weekend.

Friday night saw a smooth run of ComedySportz, and then I had no responsibilities for the rest of the evening, so I decided to jet, even though everybody told me that the Mr. Diplomat show with Marc Jacobson was going to rock. I ended up standing outside with Zack Bly to chat about various things, and we were met by a panicky Zach Ward at about 9:15. It was 15 minutes to showtime, with a packed house already, and Jacobson hadn't shown. 9:20, still no Jacobson. Jon Fabris shows up and lets us know that M.J. was over at Tyler's having a good time, so I run in and tell Zach, and Zach sprints off to find the star of the show. Jacobson shows up on his own five minutes later, so I sprint off to find Zach at Tyler's. I am in horrible shape. I beat Bly down there, but I was still feeling it an hour later. Anyway, the show started off without a hitch, but was rather weird, and I ended up taking off. Not before I saw an amazing sight though; Jacobson started asking Scott Jennings how many cars he could sell. That was the first time I've ever seen Jennings at a loss for words.

Saturday saw another ComedySportz show come and go. This one had a huge attendance, due to a young little league team buying up half the theater. It was nice to have so many paid tickets, it was good for the theater. I'm not good with kids, though, and will try to avoid doing shows with them in the future. The shrieking chaos affects me. My good buddy Larry Weaver showed up to see me do my Voice thing, so that was cool. I hadn't seen him in forever, so I got Mike Bamford to take over my 9:30 tech shift (thanks Mike!) and Larry and I went to Armadillo to have a margarita and wings and talk wrestling.
I zipped back to the theater at 11:00 to catch SIC perform before donning the beard and cowboy hat to become Randy Savage for another performance of Ross White's Match Game. Let's just say we killed. It went over great, and everybody was on there game and even better than we were on Sunday. Unfortunately, Dave Siegel was sick, so we had no Ronald Reagan for me to feud with, but PT stepped up and did a John Belushi that had the crowd screaming. I loved the Walken that Jason Quinn did on Sunday, but he switched to Christopher Lloyd on Saturday and was inspired. I wish I had taken a picture of him that night, so I could make "THAT'S A MATCH!" catchphrase t-shirts. Too fun.

Match Game will return someday!

PCQOTD 11-21-05

Starting today, there will be two Popular Culture Quotes Of The Day, the normal one that I display at the office to the rank-and-file, and a second one created just for The Transmutation Effect and its more learned readership. (Where, of course, "learned" is pronounced with two syllables, and really just means geeks who watch too much television and read too many comic books.) The difficulty and/or obscurity of the second quote will be adjusted as people do or do not get the right answer and/or if I feel like it. With that, I now give you, your Popular Quotes Of The Day, both flavours:

Plebian:
"Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that..."

Erudite:
"But I was going into Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!"

PCQOTD 11-18-05

"Good night Johnboy."

PCQOTD 11-17-05

"To infinity...AND BEYOND!"

Pure Genius

Bill Watterson's graduation speech, made to the graduating class at his alma mater, Kenyon College, in 1990.

I got a lot of inspiration from reading it today. Read it. It might change your life. Or it might just reinvigorate your life a little. Re-read it when you need it most.

If you don't know who Bill Watterson is, smack yourself in the head and go buy this. Better yet, buy this. I have it, and it's worth every penny.

PCQOTD 11-16-05

"Help keep the pet population down; have your pet spayed or neutered."

Liverpudlians

Oh, I almost forgot. One more amusing moment from this past weekend: Ethan, PT, Amanda, and I went out for a late dinner on Sunday night around 10:00. The only thing we could find open was a lonely chicken wing restaurant. For some nutty reason, as Ethan, PT, and I drove over there, we started doing bad Liverpool accents and became, respectively, John Lennon, Ringo Starr, and George Harrison. We kept up the accents while ordering food, and the counter guy actually said to me, "I know that's not a Scottish accent...where are you from?" I blanked on where the Beatles were actually from, and just told him we were from Manchester.

Snap Into Bonzo

So this weekend we had the premiere of Match Game in the DSI Comedy Theater. Rossi invited me to join the celebrity panel as Randy "The Macho Man" Savage, and how could I refuse? Anybody who knows me well knows that the original Match Game is my favourite gameshow of all time; mix it with wrestling and acting like an idiot, and we're golden.

I spent a lot of time trying to put together a costume of the 1980s Macho Man, with the wide glittering robe with his name on the back, but my sewing machine choked on the sequinned fabric, and I ended up going with the 1990s "NWO" Macho Man. It turned out pretty well, with a leather jacket, black cowboy hat, black "LWC" shirt, shades, and the OMEGA title belt. The piece that really made the costume, though, was this great $8 beard I bought at the local army/navy store. It was hilarious.

I was surprised at how well the actual performance went off. For a bunch of folks who had never done the format before or worked as a group, we did quite well, if I do say so myself. We had Jason Quinn as a fabulous Christopher Walken, Katy Jack as a precious-but-criminal Martha Stewart, Dave Siegel as a brilliantly dim Ronald Reagan, and two folks I met for the first time but whose names I forgot 'cause I suck, playing Peter Falk and Marv Albert. Reagan and the Macho Man got into a little tiff as the game progressed, and the entire show ended in a donnybrook as Savage jumped on the table and attacked the former president.

We're doing it again on Saturday night at 11:00, and it promises to be even wackier.

PCQOTD 11-15-05

"These answers have been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnall's porch since noon today."

Confucious Say...

So I got some Chinese food for lunch today; some really bad Chinese food, but that's beside the point. The point is, I got two fortune cookies. Woohoo! The first fortune was nice and inspiring: "Aim for the sky, because even if you miss, you'll still be among the stars." I think I'll keep that one. The other one simply read: "A well-aimed spear is worth three." Three what? Three cents? Three brand new Chryslers? Three really crappy overbreaded fantail shrimp? I am troubled by the abrupt end of my fortune.

PCQOTD : 11-14-05

"And now you know the rest of the story."

PCQOTD 11-12-5

"Mom always liked you best!"

PCQOTD 11-10-05

The Popular Culture Quote of the Day : Novermber 10, 2005

So this is something I've been doing at work for over a year now. I have a little lucite frame on my desk, and each day I slip in a printed card with the PCQOTD on it. People make a point to come by my desk and try and identify the unattributed quote.

The quotes are probably far too easy for the type of person who would bother to read my blog, as they're intended for a general audience in a municipal building, but I thought you might enjoy seeing them anyway. Gives you a reason to check Ted's blog each day. The PCQOTD is carefully chosen so that it has a good chance of being accessible to a wide variety of people from a wide age range. It can be from any facet of popular culture, film, television, song, celebrity, politics, commercials. Perhaps, if folks are interested, I'll do a special, additional PCQOTD just for the blog, that would be a bit more of a challenge to identify.

With that in mind, here is today's official Popular Culture Quote of the Day. This is actually a little more difficult than the average one, since everybody's been getting them correct all week!

"You cannot break the spirit of a Winchester."

Far, Far Too Funny

So I wasn't going to do an improv-related post today after yesterday's marathon essay on Jennings' class, but a few moments from last night's ComedySportz practice have to be shared.

Jason Quinn was ON. He absolutely KILLED on "Chameleon". I wish Jason could've seen Corey's face while he was doing the "envious guy in a kitchenware store" bit. Corey was positively losing it when Jason was dramatically pleading to become a useful, happy spatula instead of the pitiful "ladle with holes in it". Just tremendous.

But by far the funniest moment of the night, and yes, the funniest moment EVER on the DSI stage, was when Corey, Amanda, and Rogers were playing "Mirror, Mirror". The "evil" team had just tried to kill an old man when Zach blew his whistle to switch in the "good" team. Corey immediately screamed out "let's save him!" and began doing chest compressions. Amanda, to Corey's left, started giving mouth to mouth. Problem was, Rogers thought the old man was laying the other way, and he started giving mouth to mouth too.

Think about it for a moment.

The explosion of laughter was roof-shattering. I loved the way Amanda was doubled over on the side of the stage when she realized what was going on.

Family-friendly? No. But it was rehearsal, it wasn't intentional, and it was a perfect comedic moment.

As I said afterwards, at least the old guy had something to live for.

Chapter Twosville

So last night was another fine Jennings Level 3 class. We warmed up with some wacky games, one of which was rather difficult, but it didn't have that "ha-ha! we fooled you, you screwed up, and you're OUT!" feeling that my experience with some other warmups has given me. Basically, the whole thing seemed more light-hearted, and more like a warmup than a competition. The game in question was "George", which involves a series of odd cooperative handclaps in a circle, followed by calling out your own name and somebody else's name. That was hard enough to coordinate and do in something resembling rhythm, but then people would move to take other people's positions, and assume their name, which made it more complicated. Fun, though, due to the way it was presented and the lighthearted atmosphere.

We did some two person, three line scenes again, just like last week, and then let them extend into longer scenes, keeping up the character dynamics, eye contact, etc. Then we learned the concept of the second beat (well, *I* learned it; I'm sure everybody else was quite familiar with it), where the same characters returned, and Jennings timeshifted us by an amount he chose. That went well, and felt really good. The whole eye contact thing has struck a chord with me, as I try and read what my scene partner wants out of the scene. I've always been one to watch somebody's mouth instead of their eyes, but now I do more eye-watching, trying to get the complete picture.

I've also gotten a lot out of the concept of coming into the scene without preconceived notions of where it should go, just playing the moment and going with the flow as I share with my scene partner. Jennings had us all reach out to one side or behind us or whatnot during our scene, and grab something without knowing what it was. This was supposed to reinforce the notion of no preconception, and it really resonated with me and helped me out. For instance, in one scene, Lisa was my wife and had been in a bad accident, and I reached over to grab something for her. I grabbed it as if it were a cylinder, but in my mind it became snowshoes (for some ungodly reason), but Lisa saw it as rollerskates, which was totally cool.

Jason and I seemed to click well when we did a scene involving two "somebodys", one of which was a slick jock and the other a self-deprecating fellow. They quickly became monkeys when I reached up to pick a nit out of Jason's hair and eat it. This got a great reaction from my fellow students, and Jennings later remarked that it was a good way to show the audience who the characters were without coming out and saying "we're monkeys." That made me feel good.

Later on, Jason and I weren't on the same page when we timeshifted and I failed to pick up the hints that he was 50 years in the past, while I was a year in the future. Whoops! Well, Jennings didn't make me feel like a complete idiot, which I totally appreciate, and I learned from my blindness. That's the way it should be.

Jason and Kit had a great scene where they were complimenting each other, but really hated each other. The first beat had an awesome extended handshake, with Jason squeezing the hell out of Kit's hand, and Kit's neck was so tense, veins were poppin' out all over. It ruled. I love violence.

Oh, and we learned edits.

Okay, Blogger just lost the second half of this post, twice, so let's just stop here.

REEK! REEK! REEK!

So how's this for an offensive product? This cracks me up to no end. Believe it or not, this is a Madame Alexander doll that replicates that warm and fuzzy scene from that feel-good movie, Psycho. The playful little doll is wearing a "Bates Motel" towel (because, I guess, going the extra step from "knife slashing" to "nudity" would be going too far...) and features a silhouette of everybody's pal Norman coming in to offer her a bar of soap -excuse me- a sharp knife plunged into her heart.

You can buy this wonderful item here. If you enjoy that, you might also want to check out the Madame Alexander "Birds" figure, available here. Good luck sleeping at night with these on the shelf!

I Done Good...

Strate & Coltrane
Originally uploaded by TedHobgood.

So this weekend was fun. I voiced Comedysportz on Friday and Saturday, when we hosted the DC Comics from Washington. I edited some special entrance music for them, a Wonder Woman club mix for Friday and a jungle version of the Superman movie theme for Saturday. My work on Friday was a little shaky, but I came out of Saturday feeling really good. I obviously still have a long way to go, and the computer is ridiculously unresponsive, but overall, I think I did damn good on Saturday's show. I don't usually have a very high opinion of myself, so I guess this means something.

I was particularly happy with the presentation of the final score. I used the superschweet "Tom Sawyer" mix I edited, and leaked the scores out in a really dramatic fashion. I think it worked well, and made for an exciting ending to the show.

After the audience left, I felt a little left out when I saw the rest of the Comedysportz folks posing for group pictures, but then I just reminded myself that the Mr. Voice position is sort of an invisible helper, like the days of wrestling announcing. My job is to support the folks who are on stage, and add a garnish to what's actually being visually presented. I actually enjoy that sort of role generally, as I love helping people. It does feel a little empty sometimes, though, when you feel left out of things. Fortunately, all was made well a few minutes later, when I made a point to seek out the DC folks and say goodbye to them. They all complimented me on my voicing and thanked me for my contribution the the show. That made it all worthwhile, and really made me feel great. A little pat on the back goes a long way with me.

So Saturday CSz rocked. Friday, I took some pictures of the fun Take The Box! show, as seen here. After the show on Saturday, I went out to Fenario to hang out with Jackson and Beth, and we drank lots, laughed like fools at Hee Haw and MST3K, and Jackson and I sang acoustic guitar versions of old tv themes. Sweet.

Sunday saw me and Brantley geek out on the Xbox, killing trolls and Beholders. Then Manders called me up, and she, PT, and I headed over to Ethan's to hang out, eat at California Pizza Kitchen, and walk around Ethan's gated community, enjoying his wealthy kingdom, identifying stars, and trying to come up with song titles for all the numbers from one to ten.

And we're going to Kentucky.

Rooting Around The Usual Haunts

This hasn't been the most productive week, but I've enjoyed myself. Started off the week with relatively few citizen complaints about Halloween, had Jennings wonderful class on Tuesday, Wednesday featured lunch with Alex. I had to leave ComedySportz practice halfway through due to a migraine. I went home and treated it with Burger King and an Imitrex--that kicked he migraine's ass, and mine too--I was feeling groovy and out like a light soon after.

Thursday saw my one real day off at home playing the new James Bond game, "From Russia With Love." It's okay, certainly not horrible, but not a real thriller. Seeing Sean Connery's 1960's form and hearing his elderly voice is pretty funny.

Tonight we have a smorgasbord of entertainment, as I'll be voicing for Comedysportz, with our special guests from Washington, the DC Comics. I have some good intro music planned for them, and a nice groaner joke that I made up myself. Then I'm introducing Ethan to Los Patrillo's to see if it pleases his Mexican food addiction, then back to the theater for Take The Box, then home to host Ethan and Kit in another of our wacky X-Men funfests.

Join me for the wonderfulosity.

The Odd-Numbered Innings Are The Ice Innings

Okay, so I had my first Jennings class tonight. I was all worried about it, because I haven't liked my improv skills lately, and was not progressing well (although Sunday's performance did rock). I had thought about quitting improv all together for a while there. And I was worried that I wouldn't like Jennings' style; people have told me he's critical, and I can easily be damaged by rough criticism.

Well, I'm glad I didn't quit improv. This class rocked. Jennings is critical, but he does it in a very helpful way. You can really tell he cares about you improving, and his comments are helpful and not barbed. The dynamic of this class is great too; the group seems to mesh well. There's the old gang of Lisa, Jason Quinn, Megan Stein, and Jake, and we're joined by Kit (which rocks--love working with Kitters) and two guys I'm meeting for the first time, Nick and Dino, both of whom seem really cool.

We did some great exercises, some fabulous two-person scenes, and we danced. I learned to make eye contact, did slow motion kung-fu with Kit, and smacked Jake (who was really cool about it). Megan and I totally clicked on the "stare into the other person's eyes and guess what they're thinking" bit. All in all, I am frightfully excited about the prospects of this fine class.



PS: the title of this posting comes from Jake and Dino's hi-fucking-larious baseball scene.

Picture of the Day 11-1-05

How'd you like to face these guys in a dark alley? Wahey!

Ted's On-Stage Improv Debut

So last night, All Hallow's Eve Eve, I made my debut on stage at DSI with the rest of the graduates from my Level 2 class. My first appearance was with Lisa and Jason Q, as we played Parallel Universe. I sat out the first scene (set in a bedroom) and came in after the first scene change, a beach. I ended up kicking sand all over Jason and calling hi ma skinny wimp while stealing his wife away. Then we got switched into a candy shop, and Lisa and I were kids wanting some candy, while Jason was the creepy store owner who ate all the candy rather than sell it to little kids. Anyway, somehow it switched from me holding a candybar to being in the bedroom, and I started shaking some object and asking how this thing worked--does it take batteries? Oh, and at some point, Lisa tried to spice up her marriage to Jason by inviting me into a threesome. It was hilarious.

Then we did a Le Rond, and I took over while Carolyn was in prison, and I became a spaceship pilot. Hilarity ensued as Carolyn was poorly-trained by her jailhouse teachers, and ended up tearingt he radar system apart. The final bit of this game came next, as Jake came in to pose for a nude painting, and I made some cheesy remark about his "celestial body."

The end of our show was a Conducted Story, entitled "How I Lost My Pants" (or something along those lines). It was hilarious fun to do. I wanna do it more! I was one of the last three people, but didn't make it to the end. The last two were Joe and Jason Quinn, and they were fucking hilarious. They started singing the story, and I swore they wouldn't be able to keep it up, but they did. Joe emerged victorious, and Jason played it perfectly. Sweet.

All in all, one damn satisfying night of improv. Everybody was genuinely funny. I'm going to keep the lucky North Carolina quarter Jake handed me before the show. It seemed to work well.

One of the cooler pictures ever.

Keiji Mutoh with the Triple Crown, The All Japan World Tag Team Title, and IWGP Tag Team Title.

Lots of refuse

This is pretty amazing. This guy has taken some great pictures of huge amounts of refuse and trash. Pretty impressive.
chris jordan photography

Ted Needs

So my very first post will be what inspired me to get off my duff and finally do a blog, namely the meme I first read on Kitters' blog, the "____ Needs" thing. It tickled me more than the usual "post this on your blog" thingies.

Here's how it rolls: You Google "-your name- needs" in quotation marks and then find the top 25 things you need. So....

* * *

1. Ted needs someone to be there 100% of the time.
2. Ted needs You!
3. Ted needs to learn to let go.
---(damn. truer words were never spoken.)
4. Ted needs some Governator lessons.
5. Ted needs your help!
6. Ted needs to buy long-term health care insurance.
7. Ted needs more style to go with his substantial success.
8. Ted needs Ducky to say what he needs to work out about copyright assignments.
9. Ted needs $50,000 a year.
---(Yes.)
10. Ted needs more!
---(Gimme another $50,000)
11. Ted needs for the usa and russia to SCRAMBLE ENORMOUSLY!
12. Dear old Ted needs TLC.
---(and I ain't talkin' 'bout the signing group.)
13. Ted needs to be successful and bring home the bacon.
14. Ted needs assistance with toileting for which he also takes medication.
---(so embarrassing...)
15. Ted needs to be honest and open about his feelings toward the relationship.
---(If I had only learned that a year ago...)
16. Ted needs to come back to school with your child.
---(Heh-heh...)
17. Ted needs to be checked into someplace that can help him with his sex addiction.
---(This is uncanny!)
18. Ted needs large meteors that arrive once every 120 years or so.
19. Ted needs to help finish what he helped start.
20. Ted needs a licking from me.
---(So perverted...)
21. Ted needs some digital enchancing.
22. Ted needs to hear Lynne say that the company values his work.
---(Well, he needs to hear it from somebody!)
23. Ted needs a 24 hour staffed program which can assist him with taking his medications,and provide rehabilitative training, so that he can learn cooking.
24. Ted needs something bigger.
25. Ted needs to grow some balls.
26. Ted needs a second opinion.

* * *

Okay, so I did 26 instead of 25...I had to; the punchline was too perfect.