Friday, December 09, 2005

Doom, Despair, Agony, etc, etc, blah-blah-blah

So I'm not sure why I'm typing this, but I guess a blog is supposed to be what's on your mind at the time, and this is what's on my mind.

I've been really down lately, and I just can't seem to shake it. It's a lot of things, really, the same old stuff from the past year, but I think this one got triggered by my poor performance in Scott's Level Three class on Tuesday. I had to miss classes two weeks in a row, and I came back this week not really knowing what was going on. I felt like I was dragging the class back, and that's one of my biggest dislikes; I HATE having to inconvenience other people for my own individual shortcomings. Anyway, I felt out of place, and since I felt out of place I couldn't participate well in the scenes, and didn't come away feeling very bright or positive. This led into the next night with ComedySportz rehearsals, where I never really feel like I fit in anyway, and the lack of confidence from the previous night's affair didn't help at all. After begging off participating in a few games (even though Dave Siegel was being very kind and supportive), I finally got roped into being part of one of the three practice teams of the night. I was in with three people I was very comfortable with (Ross, Zack Bly, and Kit), and thought I'd do okay. Alas, in my attempts to try and be energetic and amusing, I ventured outside the framework of the exercise and got called for doing a bit. So, being the already selfconscious and oversensitive fool that I am, I shut down even more. At this point, I'm not looking forward to doing much of anything performance-wise this weekend. I'm really not sure I'm cut out for this sort of thing.

My first impulse is to just slink away and hide for a while, because I know nobody wants to hear me whine about crap. I really want to just raise my chin up, say "fuck it!" and leap in with both feet and have fun, but can't seem to do it. I'm hoping that tonight's ComedySportz show goes well, and jolts me out of my funk.

Anyway, my apologies to anybody who's had to be around me the past few days and felt uncomfortable in the presence of my crappy attitude.


Lisa P said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Lisa P said...

(I wish it were possible to edit a comment)

Ted, I wish I had known you were feeling this way the other night. Geez Louise, could I tell you some stories. Take it from an expert at feeling discouraged and out of place - it gets better. As for your performance in class - you were fine. Cut yourself some slack. It was your first Harold class. Everyone else there had already taken it at least once, and me, geez, I've literally lost count, so don't be down on yourself because you didn't master it after four class sessions. We will have an awesome, fun show on Sunday.

ps - you are one of us now. You can't escape, so just accept it and drink the koolaid.

pps - any time you feel like whining, I'm happy to listen.

Jason Quinn said...

I want you to know that you have a right to your thoughts about a lack of "fitting in" and not being "cut out for this sort of thing." That's fine to have those thoughts, but you should recognize them as being just "thoughts" and not an indication of reality.

From other people's perspective you very much fit in and you are quite cut out for this sort of thing. You are a smart player and have a lot of natural talent. You are at your best when you are playing improv from a relaxed place.

I don't want to deprive you of these critical thoughts that you have of yourself. Shit, I struggle with all the same sort of thoughts and I probably draw more blood with mine...but recognize that these thoughts are not helpful to either your comedy or your enjoyment...which I believe go hand in hand.

When you are having fun on stage, people will have fun watching you on stage. Not when you are trying to have fun, but when you are having honest to goodness fun....and I have seen you do just that.

The people who play at DSI make it look so fuckin easy. Well, a lot of them have been playing together almost every week for years.

Hang in there. It takes time. In two years, if you feel the same way...then give it another two years.