Toy Oddities

I haven't been shopping in a while; I had a little irregularity with my bank account and have been feeling poor. At the same time, I've been saving up for a copy of Ableton Live so I can realize my next career as a godlike mashup DJ, so my shopping trips have been few and far between. But I needed to get some stuff for this weekend's DUAL DUEL finals, and ventured out into the wild world. Walking the aisles of WalMart, I was amazed at some of the things they're pushing on kids these days. Enjoy them with me now.


Okay, I just can't get behind cruelty to animals. It's wrong, man. The Force is not with this one.


This one is actually pretty cool. If I were a kid and saw this, my parents would hear more whining and pleading than the last time Britney Spears ran out of cigarettes and found herself at a 7-11 at 3 am with nothing but an empty pocketbook and an autograph pen.


Look close at this one; yes, it's Barbie. An official Barbie product, in serious dangers of having her eyeballs pecked out and regurgitated back into the throats of little creatures fresh from breaking out of their eggs. This is the creepiest toy I've seen since the NAMBLA version of the electronic Operation game.


Here's another in the Barbie line. There's a whole series of dolls showing Barbie in various occupations, supposed to be inspiring to young girls who aspire to enter the workforce. Of course, they're always aiming sort of low and fairly stereotypical, like pet shop owner or swim instructor or something. Let's take a closer look at this one:

Ahhh..."Baby Doctor". Is that even a real job title? Don't they prefer to be called pediatricians? I guess they needed to dream up a more cutesie, more demeaning name for Barbie. The first thing I thought of when I saw "Baby Doctor" was "Baby Mama", which is actually what the doll looks more like, wearing her denim capris, baby placed on one hip at some negligent angle. Check out the other shot:

Nice blank stare, horrendous dress, and leaving the other kid on a shelf somewhere.


Last but not least, the kiddy tattoo gun. C'mon kids, enter the world of punks and whores! Share needles and mark yourself up with the shakiest of devil tattoos and chinese characters that may mean "courage" or might read "Fuck This Cracker"! And guess what, kiddies? It's called the "I-Tattoo"! That's right! You like the iPod? The iMac? The iPhone your daddy bought you? Well this is JUST like those, but in tattoo form! Plus, it's a vibrating tattoo pen--you know what potential that has, ladies! To quote the box, "GET INKED!" Radical!

Plus, the fact that they measure the markers by the gram worries me. Oh, kids today!