Friday, February 23, 2007

Be More Like Kong

Sometimes I wish I was more like Scott Jennings.

Why, you say, would that be? Why would you want to be like a man who, when many people think of him, the immediate word that springs to mind is "asshole"? Or maybe "scary". Or "intimidating".

Well, I'll tell ya why, son. Because Jennings knows who he is, knows where he stands, knows where he wants to go, and finds a way to get there. He isn't afraid to do what he wants to do or say what he wants to say. Jennings is a man of action, a man of adventure, a man of determination. He tries. He succeeds. He kisses girls.

I don't kiss girls. I mean, I have...and I'd like to again. I just don't. Because I'm not a man of action. I'm a man of inaction. I'm not outgoing. I'm not determined. I'm not brash or bold or brave. I generally accept whatever is going on. I try my best not to offend anybody. In fact, I go so far in my desire to not offend anybody, that I push down my own desires in favour of others.

So that's what I admire about Jennings. He dreams. He dares. He does.

I worry. I wring my hands. I wither away.

I think that's one of the main reasons I lost Leesa. She like a man of action. Most women do. I'm not much of a man of action. I love to dote on others, love to do things for people, love to keep people happy. Unfortunately, I don't do the same for myself. I think she liked a bit of assertion, a bit of manly stand-uppishness, a bit of "we are doing this because I say we are, so like it or lump it". I didn't do that, and when she said we should take a break, I said "okay" because I thought that was what she wanted, when really it was her way of challenging me to step up for myself and make her bow to my wishes.

So I should start thinking of myself more, be more assertive, and stand up for my own interests.

Easier said than done. I've known that for years. One begins to worry, really.

Anyway, all of this came to a head because somebody who used to work here at Town Hall wants me to come work for him in the private sector, managing the front desk and designing presentation books and designing computer data management systems. None of it thrilling work, but the pay would be good. So I met with the guy I know, and now he wants me to meet the guy who runs the business. And I'm terrified, because I'm not good at change, not good at thinking of my own future and my own well-being. It's no big deal; it's a coffee conversation about a job I don't really care about, and don't care if it goes either way. But it just struck me as symptomatic of what's wrong with me and why I haven't been happy for years now. Not since Leesa.

I wish I could be more like Jennings. I wish I could be sure of who I am and what I'm made of. I wish I could go out and get a career I enjoy. I wish I could kiss girls.

This is another one of those no-comment posts that are thankfully rare. I usually keep this crap to my silent self. A good place for it.