To The Unknown Thief,
Thank you so much for stealing my iPod out of my car while I was having lunch today. You've taught me a valuable lesson: that I should learn how to really lock my new car, and that I shouldn't park in the thug-ridden parking lot of the downtown McDonald's here in Chapel Hill. You've also opened my eyes in a quite tangible way that my longtime hometown is not the peaceful and safe village it used to be, and is now littered with scumbags, gang members, and criminals.
I will now try and learn how to tighten my belt and budget my money, so that I can afford to divest myself of the $500-plus it will take to replace the various components you took from me. Oh, and I hope you enjoy the library book you grabbed as well.