Dragnet Haikus

This is hilarious to me.

Things I Didn't Know

"Things I Didn't Know", or "Wikisurfing U.S.A."

So today at lunch I got bored and commenced to surfing through Wikipedia, looking up one thing and clicking on an internal link to leap to another article, eventually Googling a term to find a picture, and from there leaping onto other interesting finds. I thought some of y'all out there might enjoy following along today.

I started by dropping into my chair and exclaiming "uff da". Now, I had no idea what that phrase means; I just remember reading it in the title of a book long ago. So I look 'er up on Wikipedia and discover it's a Norwegian phrase used in the Midwest to mean "I am overwhelmed." Interesting.

At the end of that entry, they suggested a link to "oy vey". Why not? Everybody loves Yiddish. From that entry, I learned there was a Jewish James Bond parody called "Oy Oy Seven" (I'll have to track that down sometime) and that there's a sign that reads "Oy Vey" on your way out of Brooklyn.

"Oy vey" was a favourite phrase (apparently) for the Japanese character on the 1960s show McHale's Navy, so off we go! I had no idea the comedic show was based on a dramatic movie, so that was interesting. A brief trip to Joe Flynn's page added to my knowledge of character actors.

On McHale's Navy, they piloted a PT boat, and would sometimes refer to the commander of another PT Boat, PT109--that boat was, in real life, commanded by none other than John F. Kennedy. So off we go to the PT109 page! I had never heard the exciting tale of JFK's naval exploits, so that was pretty cool. Stranded on an island behind enemy lines in the Pacific, he carved a message on a coconut and sent it back to the Navy via islanders on an outrigger canoe.

The article said that Kennedy preserved the coconut shell and it was now in the Kennedy Library in Boston. Well I HAD to see that! And thanks to the internet, my lazy ass can see it from the slothful perch of my office chair.

Oddly enough, that picture was on this page, which is part of an insanely detailed website devoted to Jeopardy, with complete listings of all the questions and answers for each show, along with incidental remarks from smarmy Alex Trebek and the contestants, and even a "Game Dynamics" graph that charts how each contestant progressed through the game. While you're at this site, check out the guy's amazing glossary of Jeopardy-geek terms. Back to the coconut page though, the great find there was the category "Food A LaFontaine" which featured voiceover king Don LaFontaine reading dramatic descriptions of foods--and the page has links to mp3s of the actual readings! Yay!

So back to Wikipedia we go to look up Don LaFontaine's info, as I realize I've never actually read his biography. That page gives us the information that LaFontaine has actually appeared multiple times on Jeopardy, so a quick jump back to the J-Site gives us links to more mp3s from those appearances! You've got to check out the nursery rhyme previews...they're fabulous.

A search for Don on YouTube gives us stuff I had seen before but which is still great to revisit, like his Geico spot, a short magazine piece, and the now-classic "Five Guys In A Limo". There's also stuff I hadn't seen, like this Today Show piece, an amusing appearance on the Frank Caliendo show, and a parody of Don done by Pablo Francisco. And all that reminds me of the fabulous trailer for Jerry Seinfeld's Comedian which features another voiceover giant, Hal Douglas.

And now back to work.

Random Stuff

* Just came back from filming for Beatbox in Chicago. That was fun. Very cool people. Wish I could've seen them perform in their natural element. Jenny and Neil particularly impressed me with their rap ability and presence. I can't get enough of Dave Ries in da b-boy stance. Zach was very kind to bring me along to work with the Beatbox folk.
* Rene Duquesnoy is a very good host. We had a faboo party in his palatial estate, got taken to some great places to eat, and generally shown the best parts of the city. And I sang Bon Jovi on Rock Band.
* Got to see Halsted Street. All my life, as a wrestling fan, I was always led to believe that this was the toughest place in the world, the only place that could've turned out such beasts as The One Man Gang and The Road Warriors. Imagine my surprise when Rene laughed and told me that was the gay district. (Which is where we had an amazing meal at a diner. They gave us bananas. Heh.)
* Found a great retro toy store that I could've spent major cash in. They had a Fisher-Price Airport new in a sealed box for $100. Geez. I was amazed to find they had a basket of figures and vehicles for a buck apiece. I bought all their wood figures, along with another Sesame Street Susan. Some of these looked brand new. Amazing.
* Had my first Chicago hotdog, as well as my first real Chicago pizza. Both were good, but the pizza was comparable to the frozen Home Run pizza (they were both quite good). The Chicago hotdog is a completely different animal though... delicious. We stopped at a real dive to get the dog, and I amused/disgusted Rene and Zach by eating a french fry out of the trashcan.
* I love the way Chinese restaurants celebrate Christmas. These blinky-light pastel musical trees on top of a restaurant in Carrboro amuse me.
* I took Monday off of work to recover from the trip. Turns out I needed it. I was completely wiped and wasted the whole day. I'm gonna need to be a video-making machine for the rest of the week.
* The security chick at Chicago's Midway Airport informed me that my driver's license had expired in October. Oops. They didn't catch that at RDU. (I'm glad they didn't--I would've been worrying all weekend about getting past security in Chicago!) Got a new license today, and it was very easy. The folks in Carrboro are courteous.
* Amusing thing heard at the Driver's License office: Two girls claiming to be sisters were there to get licenses. One said she was there to get hers reinstated after being revoked. The other said she was from out of state and her purse was stolen with all her id information. The DMV woman asked her if she had ever gotten a license in North Carolina, and the girl's "sister" replied, "She's gotten pulled over and got a ticket in North Carolina." Yeah, that'll help, baby.

I told my mom last week that my fondest Christmas memory was when I was nine and she made me an advent calendar out of hollowed-out walnuts that she rubber-cemented back together with crackerjack toys inside. So yesterday she showed up where I work and brought me a NEW walnut advent calendar---made from the SAME walnuts she used thirty years ago!

The walnuts have the numbers 1-24 written on them, and you open up one each day to find a prize inside. This version has little folded-up strips of paper inside each nut, which might be puzzles, word scrambles, or pithy quotes. I particularly liked the quote for the first day, which was as follows:

Some days, doing "the best we can" may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn't perfect--on any front--and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else.

-Fred Rogers

I can certainly relate to that...I get frustrated when things don't turn out as perfectly as they do in my dreams, whether it be an art project or a video production or the love for a girlfriend. It helps to sit back and remember that we can only do so much, as outside factors like time, resources, or the independence of other people can sometimes hinder our dreams. In any situation, we can only do our best.

I'm Famous Again

It's been a weird couple of days...some great stuff, some surprising stuff, some wistful stuff... premieres, revelations, regrets, a lot of laughter, far too many tears, and more alcohol than usual. Overall, I think everything is going to be fine. There's lots more projects on the calendar for the near future, with special CageMatch shows, a dvd I'm producing, a music video I'm directing, and of course, Christmas and all the hoopla and merriment and family wackiness that surrounds that. So I have hope that things are going to be good.

The latest bit of positivity is that it turns out that Patton Oswalt DID see the Kinda Patton II: Werewolves and Lollipops project I did for Jason a few months ago. And now I have my own page on Patton's website! Chekkit out here. (Dig that animated header!)

And also this weekend, my friend Matt sent me a copy of the documentary they did on our old OMEGA wrestling promotion (as detailed here) and I've watched a few minutes of it. It looks like it's going to be really, really good. Tells the story of how a bunch of kids from rural North Carolina got together and made one of the best independent wrestling federations in the country. And best of all, I host all the segments of the documentary! I'm in the extras too, talking about how I met the boys and got involved. I haven't watched the whole thing, but I'm told Matt puts me over hard, which would be really cool. It's nice to have one's contributions recognized.

I also just got a dvd in the mail from Mr. Erik Martin that he wants me to produce a promotional video for, so that'll be fun. And this Friday I'm going to try to start work on a music video for Jackson's great song, "Cigarettes On The Ground".

Gotta stay busy, or you'll go insane. Believe me, I know.

Give 'Em Hell, Harry

Harry Truman tells us what we're NOT going to do about communism. The past echoes to us here in the present. Makes you think.

See the video here.

The Sound Of Violence

My birthday is coming up in two weeks. If anybody wants to get me something, this is a good option.

I'm not the world's biggest football fan (I like it, but I don't go out of my way to watch it) but the NFL Films music is just incredible. I used selections from this album to make all the DUAL DUEL videos this past month. It's just the perfect music to use for upbeat, driving conflict-oriented videos. Some of it is dynamic, some is cheesy, some is amusingly rooted in the 1970s, some is timeless. I love it all.

Flea Market Wackiness

So this weekend I went out to do some flea marketing with my friend Jess, and we came across some nutty things, which I thought I'd share with you courtesy of the fine folks at Flickr.

Actually, it all starts the day before when I saw a cool crack in the sidewalk that looked like a directional arrow, pointing straight down the street.

Okay, onto the fair. We got there and discovered that the Dorton Arena was hosting some sort of Christian inflatable party activity demonstration fair. Oh YES! Music was provided by, of course, Heaven. The whole arena was full of these giant bouncy amusement thingamajigs. Jess and I were quite amused by the inflatable church, thinking that there should've been a sign that read "If the chapel's a-rockin', don't bother knockin'." For some reason, I just loved the roller coaster with the stiff-backed inflatable people jammed into their ascending car. The best one, though, was the huge Steroid Man that invited you to jump up and down under his crotch.

Elsewhere at the fair, we had the loneliest employee in the park, trapped in her giant orange pac-man. I waan't quite hungry enough to have a giant neon fried Twinkie. I think the most artistic shot of the day came from some lovely painted mermaids. My favourite product was the extremely creepy chimp-dominated Noah's Ark, accompanied by the pitiful Cleopatra.

But the photo of the day has to go to something Jess pointed out at a booth selling crappy purses. Yes, please.

Yes, I Bought An iPhone

Well, I was planning to wait until the price dropped and they worked the kinks out, but after an upsetting trip to the dentist, I decided I deserved a present, and bought myself an iPhone. Yeah, it was expensive (I got the 8G model); yeah, the per-month charge is expensive (another $20 on top of the $40 I'm already spending); yeah, AT&T sucks (but I was always happy with Cingular, and couldn't find a provider in town who I liked more); BUT I bought one anyway.

I like it. Lots. My number one love is that it just WORKS. I've had smartphones before (a Treo and a Kyocera Palm), but they were clunky, the applications didn't work consistently, and the interface was atrocious. The iPhone is very smartly designed, and works like you expect things to work. The touchscreen is phenomenal. The apps are quick, useful, and fun to work with. The interface helps you do what you want to do instead of getting in the way of what you want to do. And my biggest bane from my old phones is nowhere to be seen, as the iPhone syncs beautifully with my computer, sharing calendars, contacts, pictures, mp3s, movies, and just about everything.

The camera is pretty damn phenomenal for a phonecam, taking clear 1200x900 pictures (that get reduced to 640x480 when emailing the pictures from the phone; the full rez versions get synced to iPhoto when you dock the iPhone). I didn't like the software-based keyboard at first, but I'm quickly getting used to it, and it's certainly the best on-screen keyboard I've ever used. The Google Maps interface rocks, and was immensely helpful while wandering through NYC this past weekend. I also had the Manhattan subway system map stored in my Photos application if I ever needed that. There's a dedicated YouTube program which can be amusing, although there's a lot of YouTube videos that haven't been formatted for the iPhone yet. Hell, I even check on my one share of WWE stock every once in a while with the Stock app.

What it doesn't do: to my knowledge, the Notes program doesn't sync to anything openable on the host computer, which is pretty surprising. The camera is stills-only, so you can't take video (which is also pretty surprising, since you have tons of onboard storage space). There's a big omission in that there's no To-Do list. And currently, the iPhone doesn't do Flash, so you can't watch cool animations or see some features of websites. (This is why not all of YouTube is accessable yet.) All of these can be easily fixed with a firmware upgrade, and I'd be willing to bet they will be.

One of the most glaring omissions, for me anyway, is that this thing is an iPod AND a phone and YET, you can't use your own mp3s as ringtones. This smacks of some stupidass agreement that Apple made with recording companies or AT&T or something, and it pisses me off. There's a third party app that fixes this error, but I haven't tried it yet for fear of fucking up my phone. The onboard ringtones are great, and there's enough other toys to play with in the iPhone, but for an iPod phone to not let you use custom mp3s as ringtones is outrageous.

But overall, is it worth it? Hellz yeah. I wanted a phone that worked and worked well, that would sync cleanly and work smoothly on a day to day basis. I didn't need the iPod functionality--I have an iPod for that! But now that I have the iPhone, I notice I am just listening to music or watching videos when I might not otherwise do so. The speakers in the iPhone are pretty decent, and you can just set the thing down and listen without the need for earphones. The video screen is huge and crazy sharp. People are really impressed when I show off the ripped dvd of DON that I have on there. It's a lot smaller than the Treo I used to use, and unlike the Treo, it doesn't crash or run out of juice randomly. The iPhone actually fits invisibly into my daily life, as a good tool should.

I heart my iPhone.

Shut Up, Jay

Patton Oswalt discusses which movie you might want to watch this summer: his movie Ratatouille, or Daniel Radcliffe's Harry Potter.

I could watch this clip over and over again. In fact, I have.

Thieves Not In The Night

To The Unknown Thief,

Thank you so much for stealing my iPod out of my car while I was having lunch today. You've taught me a valuable lesson: that I should learn how to really lock my new car, and that I shouldn't park in the thug-ridden parking lot of the downtown McDonald's here in Chapel Hill. You've also opened my eyes in a quite tangible way that my longtime hometown is not the peaceful and safe village it used to be, and is now littered with scumbags, gang members, and criminals.

I will now try and learn how to tighten my belt and budget my money, so that I can afford to divest myself of the $500-plus it will take to replace the various components you took from me. Oh, and I hope you enjoy the library book you grabbed as well.

Thanks loads,

Ted

Suicide Food

This is the latest blog I've added to my RSS feed through Google Reader. I think this is fabulous.

I've got a great picture I took in college of an Ekleberry's Chicken delivery truck, which has a chicken in a chef's hat with a cleaver in one hand and under his other wing, a book entitled "Chicken Cookbook". Hilarious.

I'll Take A Slice Of That

This is a darn good idea. I might have to do this (although, analysis of how my life has been spent might be suicidally depressing.)

It's from Flip Flop Flyin', a great blog by Craig Robinson, who is also the creator of Minipops, another dang cool idea. I keep meaning to get around to drawing my own little pixelly celebrity portraits. I did that at one time with the old OMEGA wrestlers (well, New Frontier at that time), but really want to do some things like the cast of QI or Never Mind The Buzzcocks, or maybe DSI folks or something.

Oh, and just as a sidenote, the Wikipedia entry on OMEGA contains many little errors. For instance, Jeff had nothing to do with starting or running OMEGA (other than being the #2 star); that was all MAtt. I don't *think* Thomas came in until after we were already running as OMEGA, but I'm not sure about that. In any case, there are errors there, and I should really butt in there and correct them.

The Weird Wild Web

I do a lot of research when I'm making videos. Sometimes when I'm searching Google for information or pictures to use in my video projects, I come across some odd matches that have nothing to do with what I was searching for. This weekend, I had to gather material for the three videos I'm making this week, and I tripped across some absolute oddities. I thought I would share them with you.

Searching for "mexico tv" brought up this. Click the little icons randomly to view odd pictures. They get weirder towards the end.

"mexico test" led me to this disgusting fast food burger, wheras "mexican ha-ha" came up with something much more amusing.

A search for "poochie" gave me a page on custom Simpsons figures. (Maggie as Yoda and Bart as Yosemite Sam were particularly disconcerting.)

Googling "mother goose" turned up this VERY disturbing picture, as well as this saucy number.

This one isn't so wacky, but it is interesting. Searching for "test pattern" gave me this information page about the history of radio and television. The same search on YouTube eventually led me to this page, which has software to create your own custom test pattern cards, based on vintage designs. It's PC only, so I haven't tried it yet, but it sounds fabulous.

Miscellaney

I think that most of the time, commercials are a waste. They spend millions of dollars on them, and how often do you actually say "I'm going to switch to that beer because I saw it on the Superbowl?" One deviance from that rule, personally speaking, is my choice of shaving cream. Back in the mid-to-late 1980s, Edge was a sponsor of the WWF tv shows, and I've used it ever since. The reason I started buying it is what still runs through my head every time I use it: Lord Alfred Hayes' measured pronunciation of the phrase "Edge Shaving Gel; the first defense...against ray-zore irritation!" I love the way he pronounced "razor".

I saw 300 yesterday. I thought it was okay; it wasn't stunning, like Sin City was. I liked the gritty, grainy look of the film. I liked the multiculturality of the Persian forces. I liked the nipples. I loved the soundtrack. I loved the animated end titles. I guess it just didn't seem as tight as I would've liked. There were some plot holes and strategy holes and gratuitousness that distracted me from the overall experience. I thought the oracle priests looked far too much like The Emporer from Star Wars, pale warts and hoods and all, and The Immortals were far too Darth Vadery; their masks were certainly reminiscent, and when we first see them, their breathing actually sounds like it was sampled from A New Hope. And Spartans don't throw pro-wrestling dropkicks. (However, huge towering beastmen definitely do pro-wrestling chokeslams. My friend Brantley leaned over and whispered "Undertaker.") Oh, and I kept watching Leonidas and flashing back to Brian Blessed in Flash Gordon. "Hawkmen? ...DIIIIVE!!!!"

I just tripped across this Sesame Street parody.

Two days until you'll never see me again, as I lock myself away with God of War 2.

I'm Famous

Patton Oswalt just unveiled his new website, and guess who's on it?

Go to the Spores page and scroll down to the bottom. When you get to the Ted page, be sure to notice the clever logo that pops into place around Patton's head at the top of the page.

God, looking back at this picture just reminds me of how much fun I had putting the whole thing together for my buddy Jason.

Frylock, er, Fryclock

Okay, who's going to get me this clock?

A Novel

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night
by Snoopy

Part I

It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a shot rang out!

A door slammed. The maid screamed.

Suddenly, a pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

While millions of people were starving, the king lived
in luxury. Meanwhile, on a small farm in Kansas, a boy was
growing up.

Part II

A light snow was falling, and the little girl with the
tattered shawl had not sold a violet all day.

At that very moment, a young intern at City Hospital was
making an important discovery. The mysterious patient in
Room 213 had finally awakened. She moaned softly.

Could it be that she was the sister of the boy in Kansas
who loved the girl with the tattered shawl who was the
daughter of the maid who had escaped from the pirates?

The intern frowned.

"Stampede!" the foreman shouted, and forty thousand head
of cattle thundered down on the tiny camp. The two men
rolled on the ground grappling beneath the murderous hooves.
A left and a right. A left. Another left and right. An
uppercut to the jaw. The fight was over. And so the ranch
was saved.

The young intern sat by himself in one corner of the
coffee shop. he had learned about medicine, but more
importantly, he had learned something about life.

THE END


via The Peanuts FAQ

Be More Like Kong

Sometimes I wish I was more like Scott Jennings.

Why, you say, would that be? Why would you want to be like a man who, when many people think of him, the immediate word that springs to mind is "asshole"? Or maybe "scary". Or "intimidating".

Well, I'll tell ya why, son. Because Jennings knows who he is, knows where he stands, knows where he wants to go, and finds a way to get there. He isn't afraid to do what he wants to do or say what he wants to say. Jennings is a man of action, a man of adventure, a man of determination. He tries. He succeeds. He kisses girls.

I don't kiss girls. I mean, I have...and I'd like to again. I just don't. Because I'm not a man of action. I'm a man of inaction. I'm not outgoing. I'm not determined. I'm not brash or bold or brave. I generally accept whatever is going on. I try my best not to offend anybody. In fact, I go so far in my desire to not offend anybody, that I push down my own desires in favour of others.

So that's what I admire about Jennings. He dreams. He dares. He does.

I worry. I wring my hands. I wither away.

I think that's one of the main reasons I lost Leesa. She like a man of action. Most women do. I'm not much of a man of action. I love to dote on others, love to do things for people, love to keep people happy. Unfortunately, I don't do the same for myself. I think she liked a bit of assertion, a bit of manly stand-uppishness, a bit of "we are doing this because I say we are, so like it or lump it". I didn't do that, and when she said we should take a break, I said "okay" because I thought that was what she wanted, when really it was her way of challenging me to step up for myself and make her bow to my wishes.

So I should start thinking of myself more, be more assertive, and stand up for my own interests.

Easier said than done. I've known that for years. One begins to worry, really.

Anyway, all of this came to a head because somebody who used to work here at Town Hall wants me to come work for him in the private sector, managing the front desk and designing presentation books and designing computer data management systems. None of it thrilling work, but the pay would be good. So I met with the guy I know, and now he wants me to meet the guy who runs the business. And I'm terrified, because I'm not good at change, not good at thinking of my own future and my own well-being. It's no big deal; it's a coffee conversation about a job I don't really care about, and don't care if it goes either way. But it just struck me as symptomatic of what's wrong with me and why I haven't been happy for years now. Not since Leesa.

I wish I could be more like Jennings. I wish I could be sure of who I am and what I'm made of. I wish I could go out and get a career I enjoy. I wish I could kiss girls.

This is another one of those no-comment posts that are thankfully rare. I usually keep this crap to my silent self. A good place for it.

A Gift From Patton!

a gift from Patton!
Originally uploaded by TedHobgood.

Sometimes good things do happen. (Not often, but sometimes.)

Remember the present I made for my buddy Jackson ("A Kinda Patton Christmas"?) If not, check it out here. Well, Patton loved it, said it made his year, and guess what? He sent me a present for my very own! I was quite surprised to get a package in the mail containing Patton's actual cast jacket from the upcoming Brad Bird movie Ratatouille AND a Patton-made dvd of the entire Comedians of Comedy series. SWEET! Thanks, Mr. Scoops!

It was very kind of him to do this for me, and I really appreciate it. The truly great thing is that I really like the jacket, and it fits me quite well. It's the kind of thing I would buy myself, except a) it was free, b) it's a real cast jacket from a real movie, c) it was a gift from somebody I find to be really entertaining, and d) it reminds me of good times with good friends.

Check out me, the coat, and the bootleg dvd here.

PS: Here's a trailer for the movie. I'm sure me and Jackson will be first in line. I'll wear my coat.