Monday, December 06, 2010

Seuss Wars

Ok, so my sister is brilliant. At many things, really, but in this case, writing. I knew she could write amazing Stephen King-esque horror stories, but had no idea she could write clever nostalgic comedy stuff. (I thought *I* was the comedian in the family--she's stealin' my act! If she starts doing wrestling announcing, she'll get no combined Birthday/Christmas presents this year!)

S'anyway, I saw a blog post somewheres about a guy who was doing Star Wars illustrations in the style of Dr. Seuss. They were pretty excellent, and I thought my sister might dig 'em, so I sent her the link. She guffawed and promptly sent back a couplet of how she thought a Dr. Seuss Star Wars book would start off. It was PERFECT! Funny, clever, and dead-on Geiselesque. I told her as much, and basically begged her to write more. And she did. Here is what she has so far:
Our story begins on an ordinary day,
With a boy in a galaxy far, far away.

The boy's name was Luke - no more than a teen,
He lived on a planet they called Tattooine.
His parents - so tragic! - they both were long dead,
Young Luke was an orphan (at least that's what they said).

He lived on a farm with his uncle and aunt,
Luke wanted to leave but they both said, "You can't!
"We need you for this and we need you for that!
To bring in the crops and to hunt the womp rat!"

So Luke waited and stayed and he stayed and he waited,
And helped with the work on the farm (which he hated).

At night he would stand and gaze over the dunes
At the one setting sun and the two rising moons.
He would sigh as he'd think to himself, "It's not fair,
That I'm stuck on this rock while my friends are out there!"

But destiny had a few tricks up her sleeve,
Luke stood, gazed, and waited… but soon he would leave.


Not so far away from where the boy stood,
Was raging a battle of evil and good!
Imperial forces with their mighty hand,
Were crushing the Rebel Alliance's band.

The rebels had stolen the plans - newly minted -
To the worst weapon mankind had ever invented.
The Empire wanted to get their plans back,
So they gathered their troops and went on the attack.

The Stormtroopers, gleaming insidious white,
Swarmed through the whole ship, just to fight, fight, fight, fight.
The rebels, outnumbered, outgunned and outlasted,
Had only two choices: give up or get blasted.

But one of them wouldn't let herself concede
Without first performing one most crucial deed.
This rebel - a princess! - before they could shoot her,
Hid the plans deep inside one small android's computer!
And with it, a message, of limited scope:
"Help me, Obi-wan, you are my only hope!"

With the droid and his counterpart now on the run,
The princess was hit with a blaster (on stun).
And though she resisted, the stormtroopers made her
Confront their feared leader, the evil DARTH VADER!!!!!!


And the two little droids? Where are they next seen?
You guessed it! They both wind up on Tattooine.
The droids - R2-D2 and C-3PO,
Cannot both agree on which way they should go.

The two turn their backs and go opposite ways,
Though they meet up again in a matter of days.
They're captured by "jawas" (they're like roving peddlers,
Who travel around selling scrap to the settlers).

And who do the jawas encounter? No fluke!
None other than our Uncle Owen and Luke.
(When shopping from jawas one thing to avoid,
Is the "big bargain" or "fixer-upper" android.
C-3PO was a steal for a translator,
But they got an R2 with a bad motivator!)
In the end it worked out, R2-D2 was sold,
And Luke spent the evening polishing gold.

She admits she was getting a little off track towards the end, but overall, this is BRILLIANT!!! She gave me permission to post this, and said she'd write more if she got positive feedback, so PLEASE comment on this post or email me or something. I want her to write the whole episode!!!!!

"We need you for this and we need you for that!/To bring in the crops and to hunt the womp rat!" HA!!!!

3 comments:

Elisabeth said...

No, wait! There's a middle section! Did you not get it? Deliver eleventy-million dollars in unmarked coins to my house by 1:11PM exactly and I'll resend it...

(Teaser: "shoot her" rhymes well with "computer".)

F! said...

Oh my goodness this is GORGEOUS. I love it unto death.

Please, please, please, please write more, Ted's Sister!

Robert L. Bapst said...

This is amazing. Keep at it, I want more!